Wicked in Under 15 Minutes
by entwined-in-a-web
Summary: What happens when Wicked in condensed to 15 minutes? My parody of the show! Will probably not take fifteen muntes because it's in two chapters...REVIEW PLEASE!
1. Act I

**A/N: Ok, wow…This is not like my other parodies…I love Wicked. It was my very first show, so it's a lot of fun to do this! This spoof will be EPIC! Enjoy! And tell me what you think! **

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer: Ok….So I don't own Wicked (book or musical), Ricola, or Graffiti Pete or Kurt Hummel or anything else mentioned! **

Scene 1:

Citizens of Oz: *chattering*

Guy 1: Hey! Did you hear?

Guy 2: Hear what?

Guy1: The witch is dead!

Guy 2: Um….yay?

Angry Woman: HE'S SKEPTICAL!

*All throw out Guy 2*

Woman 54: Look! It's Glinda!

Glinda: *descends in bubbles* *sigh* Fellow-!

Guy 3: *hacking cough*

Glinda: *annoyed* Fellow-

Guy 3: *Hacking cough*

Glinda: WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET A RICOLA? *sighs* Anywho…Let us be glad that the Wicked Witch is finally dead!

Citizens: YAY!

Elphaba: *off-stage* Not yay!

Fiyero:*off-stage* Yeah! Not yay!….right?

Elphaba: *face palms*

Glinda: Oh, yes! The Wicked Witch! She was born green! Her father was a minister, her mother was a whore.

Elphaba: *off-stage* Do they really need to know this?

Glinda: Why, yes!

Elphaba: *off-stage* Why didn't I join RENT instead….

Guy 1: Glinda! Is it true you were her friend?

Glinda: Well, it depends on what you mean by…'friend'

Guy 1: This is gonna be a huge flashback, isn't it….

Scene 2:

Shiz Students: Blah, blah, blah…

Galinda: *high pitched, Cheno-note*

Shiz Student 1: HOLY SHIT! MY EARS!

Boq: *carrying luggage*

Galinda: Oh, hello Munchkin boy!

Boq: Ok, listen here you racist moron! Just because I-*looks at Galidna in a trance* *drools* I didn't know racists were so sexy…

Galinda: Um…yeah…We're gorgeous….

Boq: *floats and follows Galinda*

Galinda: Please go away…

Boq: Never….

*Enter the Thropp family*

Frex: Well, ok! We're at college!

Nessa: Yay!

Elphaba:….

Frex: Now, remember what we talked about.

Nessa: No drinking, no wild partying, stay away from frat guys cuz they only want one thing.

Elphaba: And if you get pregnant, it's not my fault.

Nessa: Elphaba! How could dare say something like that! *waits until Frex is out of earshot* Don't mess up my chance! You know how much action a girl in a wheelchair gets? NONE!

Elphaba: And do you know how much action a girl who looks like the spawn of the Jolly Green Giant gets? ABSOLUTELY NONE.

Frex: Well, ok, Nessa…I'm gonna leave now *starts to tear up* Here's some shoes!

Nessa: oh, father! They're beautiful! *in her mind* THESE ARE THE UGLIEST FUCKING SHOES I'VE EVER SEEN!

Elphaba: Don't I get a present, dad?

Frex: *walks away*

Elphaba: And why is he not surprised I haven't killed myself yet…

Madame Morrible: Hello students!

Students: Hello, Madame Morrible….

Morrible: Oh look! A girl in a wheelchair! You can just come with me!

Elphaba: BRIGN HER BACK, BITCH!

Nessa: *getting pulled towards Elphaba MAGICALLY!* No guys! This isn't what it looks like! I'M NOT RELATED TO HER!

Elphaba: Oh, dear Nessarose, my one and only sister! I shall never let you from my sight!

Shiz students: *snicker*

Galinda: Oh! Madame Morrible, I-!Morrible: Shut up, bitch! I'm talking to the magical one!

Elphaba: Me?

Morrible: Ya wanna meet the wizard?

Elphaba: HOLY CRAP! YES! IT'S ONLY BEEN MY LIFE LONG DREAM! *rips off coat to reveal an 'I Love the Wizard' t-shirt*

Marrible: Excellent….Mwuahaha….Mwahahah! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Elphaba:…..

Scene 3:

Galinda: Dear Momsy and Popsicle…

Elphaba: Dear dad.

Galinda: They roomed me with some freakish piece of broccoli. A little help would be nice…I mean, yesterday, she asked if my purse was ACTUALLY coach! Ha! What a poor loser…

Elphaba: Dear Unnamed God in Heaven! I can't stand my roommate! She's ugly and perky and….blonde. I hate you, dad. I didn't even wanna go here! I'd pull a Moritz Stiefel, but no one knows what that means so I won't.

Galinda: You most darlingest daughter, Galinda

Elphaba: From, Me.

Scene 4:

Dr. Dillamond: Settle down class!

Boq: But we're not-

Dr. Dillamond: I SAID SETTLE DOWN!

Boq: Ok….

Dr. Dillamond: Who can tell me what the difference is between an animal and and Animal?

Elphaba: *raises hand*

Dr. Dillamond: Yes, Miss…?

Elphaba: Elphaba. An animal is an animal who cannot talk or who can no longer talk. And Animal is one who can.

Dr. Dillamond: Very good! So who can tell me what foreshadowing is?

Elphaba: *raises hand* Foreshadowing is when something is mentioned earlier in the plot as a reference and then is brought back later as a major plot point.

Dr. Dillamond: Excellent!

Galinda: Was he trying to say something there?

Galinda's friends: Uh…no?

Galinda: Ok!

Dr. Dillamond: HOLY SHIT! GRAFFITI!

*Enter Graffiti Pete*

Graffiti Pete: That's cold man….

Dr. Dillamond: AND HOLY SHIT! THE CHALKBOARD!

All: 'Animals should be seen, not….' what?

Morrible: HEARD! THAT SAYS HEARD!

All: *confused*

Morrible: Oh. I saw the tragic message and I…read it.

Elphaba: *like she's on ER* Dr. Dillamond….we haven't got much time…The Wizard must do something about this…_crisis…_

Dr. Dillamond: Yes…We must…it's their only chance of survival…

*Both stare seriously out into the audience*

Scene 5:

Elphaba: Well, that was weird…

Galinda: Eew…books suck….

Boq: Oh, hi Galinda! Fancy seeing you here…

Galinda: Bick-

Boq: It's Boq.

Galinda: I go to school here, duh?

Boq: Oh…right…

*Enter Fiyero! Winkie Prince of the Arjiki Tribe!*

Carriage Driver: *out of breath* Pr….Presenting…his r-royal highness…P-Prince Fiyero…oh, never mind…

Fiyero: *bursting out from his tricked out ride* Hey ladies!

Galinda: Gasp! It's Fiyero Tigelaar!

Boq: The Winkie prince?

Fiyero: Who said Winkie?

Boq: I…did…?

Fiyero: WINKIE IS INSULTING! We prefer the term 'Arjiki.'

Boq: Why?

Fiyero: Would you rather be called an Arjiki or a FUCKING WINKIE!

All: He swore….

Fiyero: Yeah…I swear…I'm a badass bad boy..

Galinda: *faints*

Fiyero: Wanna come to a dance with me?

Galinda: Oh, yes….

Boq: *stepping in* Uh, no…she doesn't…

Galinda: Bick!

Boq: BOQ!

Galinda: How about I set you up with the wheelchair chick!

Boq: You mean Nessa?

Galinda: Yeah!

Boq: M'kay….

*goes away*

Galinda: Oh, Fiyero….You're so…perfect…

Fiyero: I know…*They kiss passionately*

*meanwhile…*

Nessa: AAAAAAAHHHH!

Elphaba: Who died?

Nessa: I got my very first date!

Elphaba: Great! With who.

Nessa: Boq!

Elphaba: BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH _BOQ?_

Nessa: *rolls over her feet*

Elphaba: Ok! Ok! I'm done!Galinda: Oh, hi greenie!

Elphaba:…

Galinda: Me and my friends were talking and I wanna give you this hat to wear at the Ozdust tonight.

Elphaba: But it's….hideous.

Galinda: No!

Elphaba: Ok….*puts it on* I look like a weirdo….Huh. I like it.

Scene 6:

*at the Ozdust*

All: WHOO! I LOVE TO DANCE!

Galinda: So…Fiyero…

Fiyero: Yeah?

Galinda: Are you doing anything…_afterwards?_

Fiyero: Uh…nope.

Galinda: How about you come back to my place and we can…_do_ something…

Fiyero: Oh! You mean like playing a game or something? Cuz I am BEAST at chess! But I somehow suck at Sorry….

Galinda: Yeah…some badass bad boy…

*Meanwhile*

Nessa: Oh, Boq…this is nice…

Boq: *watching Galinda* Did you say something, dear?

Nessa: Yes…Oh, I love you Boq! You're so wonderful…

Boq: Uh-huh…that's nice…

Nessa: C'mere you sexy beast! *kisses him*

Boq: *squirms like a fish out of water*

*Suddenly enter Elphaba*

All: AHHHH!

Elphaba: it's just me calm down…

Fiyero: What's eating her head?

Galinda: That's a hat, Fiyero.

Fiyero: Oh.

Elphaba: *starts to dance*

Everyone else: HAHAHAHAA!…loser….

Galinda: I feel bad now…*goes and dances too*

Fiyero: I wanna dance! *joins the dance*

Frat Boy: Dude, If Fiyero's doing it, _we're_ doing it!

Everyone: *Dancing*

Fiyero: ok, everyone! Finishing pose!

*All hit end pose*

Scene 7:

Galinda: Wasn't that fun?

Elphaba: Loads…

Galinda: I love parties…

Elphaba: Huh….

Galinda: Ok…Let's tell secrets!

Elphaba; I'll pass thanks…

Galinda: No! I'll go first! But you promise not to tell ANYONE! *whispers*

Elphaba: YOU'RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE?

Galinda: Shhhhh! Ok! Now you go!

Elphaba: I once tried to kill a spider with rat poison. There. Does that work?

Galinda: you're not a good secret-teller…

Elphaba: I carry around a bottle of green elixir and I don't even know why. Apparently it was my mom's but no one told me the significance. They just say 'Wait for Act II!'

Galinda: Well, ok…Let's make you popular!

Elphaba: What?

Galinda: Yesss! Ok, ready?

Elphaba: Um….

Galinda: *with training wand* Umm..ok! Bippity boppity, boppity boo, turn this green girl into something new!

Elphaba: Um…Galinda?

Galinda: Yes?

Elphaba: You turned me into Maureen Johnson.

Galinda: Oh…whoops! Sorry! Um...Abracadabra Clickity clack, um hey, we want our green girl back!

Elphaba: Thank you.

Galinda: Don't mention it…new best friend…Oh! Here's a flower clip for you! All my friends have one! And on Wednesdays…we wear pink!

Elphaba: Dear Lord…

Scene 8:

Morrible: Ok, class…Dr. Dillamond got arrested!

All: Yay!

Elphaba: NOT YAY!

Fiyero: Oh. Hello there.

Elphaba; Hi.

Fiyero: You seem…Galinda-fied.

Elphaba: And you seem stupid-idfied.

Fiyero: Thanks!

Elphaba:…..

Morrible: So here's your new teacher!

Teacher Man: hey! I'm not licensed!

Students: Um…cool…?

Teacher Man: This is a lion cub. I named it Brrr!

Brrr: *rolls eyes*

Teacher Man: Let's poke it with a stick!

Elphaba: NO!

*everyone freezes*

Fiyero: Holy crap….

Elphaba: How come you didn't freeze?

Fiyero: Maybe it's my manly toughness…

Elphaba: Or maybe your brain's too small…come on….

Fiyero: Yay!

*Later*

Elphaba: Well, here we are…Go free, little lion cub!

Brrr: *rolls eyes*

Fiyero: You know…I think I sort of like you…

Elphaba: Huh?

Fiyero: NOTHING! GOTTA GO!

Elphaba: That was weird….

Morrible: Oh, look! I found you conveniently in the middle of the field! Let's mak eit stop raining before you die!

Elphaba: Wow, Madame Morrible! I didn't know you could control the weather!

Morrible: Of course I can! It'll be a major plot point in the next Act! But anywho…I just got a letter from the Wizard!

Elphaba: THE WIZRD! SQUEEE! WHAT DOES IT SAY?

Morrible: He wants you to come to the Emerald City! Tomorrow1

Elphaba: YES! LOOK AT ME NOW WORLD! SUCK IT!

Scene 9:

*at train station*

Galinda: Oh, Elphie….I hope you have fun…JUST LEAVE ME HERE! YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND! I HATE YOU!

Elphaba: Um…

Galinda: I'm sorry…I have PMS….

Elphaba: Oh…

Fiyero: Elphaba! I got you flowers!

Elphaba: Gee, thanks, Fiyero!

Fiyero: And I've been thinking-

Galinda: GASP1 IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

Fiyero: Well…no wait….I forgot, never mind…

Galinda: I'm changing my name to Glinda!

Elphaba: Um…why?

Glinda: Because! For…um…I don't have a reason ok, I want him to like me!

Elphaba: O…k…Hey. You wanna come with me?

Glinda: EEEEP! Yes!

Scene 9:

Citizens: Oh, hello there!

Elphaba: Dude, this is so cool! No one's staring!

Glinda: uh-huh…yeah…Ok. Hot guy on your left…act…natural…

Elphaba: Um…

Glinda: *mouths* I don't know her…

Elphaba: Yeah…

Guard: THE WIZARD WILL SEE YOU NOW!

Elphaba: So how did you enjoy your only line?

Guard: Go die….

Scene 10:

Big Metal Head: MWUAHAHAHAHHA!

Glinda and Elphaba: Oh…shit…

Big Metal Head: WHO ARE YOU TO INTERRUPT THE WIZARD'S POKER GAME?

Elphaba: um…Elphaba Thropp?

*Big Metal head shuts down*

*Enter Joel Grey*

Joel Grey: Oh, Elphaba! Hello!

Glinda: Joel Grey? You're the Wizard?

Joel Grey: Yeah!

Glinda: *to Elphaba* Oh, he's too adorable!

Elphaba: I know!

Joel Grey: So…Elphaba…Wanna read this neat book for me?

Glinda: HOLY CRAP! THE GRIMMERIE!

Morrible: That's right Glinda!

Elphaba: Um…how did you get here?

Morrible: I WASN'T HERE THE WHOLE TIME!

Elphaba: Yeah…

Joel Grey: Go on! Read!

Elphaba: But….

Joel Grey: Oh wait! Let me get my monkey!

Chistery: *smiles*

Elphaba: Hi there, monkey!

Joel Grey: Make him fly!

Elphaba: Uh…*chants*

Joel Grey: Yes….YESSS! IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE!

*Takes a break to dance to "I'm Alive"*

Joel Grey: Anywho…Thanks! Now if you can make all my monkeys fly, we can take over every single Animal in this country! MWUAHAHAHA!

Elphaba: NO! Joel Grey, how could you be so evil? You're so cute on the outside!

Joel Grey: I'm from Ohio. We ain't cute….

Elphaba: FUCK YOU! *pokes Joel Grey and runs*

Glinda: Elphie! Elphie wait!

*they leave*

Joel Grey: SEND OUT THE GUARDS!

Scene 11:

Elphaba: Ok…gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta think, gotta hide….

Glinda: Elphaba, you need some behavioral therapy!

Elphaba: Aw, shut up…

Glinda: You don't yell 'fuck you' to the Wizard!

Elphaba: *flipps off Glinda* Oh hey look…a random flying broom! I'm gonna fly away…Wanna come?

Glinda: Uh...no thanks…

Elphaba: Ok…

Guards: AHA!

Elphaba: Crap….See ya! Take it away, Kurt!

*Kurt Hummel sings "Defying Gravity"*

Elphaba:MWUAHAHAHA!

**A/N: Oh no! What shall happen next? Well, you gotta get through INTERMISSION FIRST!**


	2. Act II

**A/N: I'm back! I'm done now! Sorry it took so long to update. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first part! YOU GUYS ARE THE FIYERO TO MY ELPHIE! Yes…that was weird.**

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**ACT II**

Scene 1:

Citizens: *murmuring*

Guy 1: Holy crap, guys. The wicked witch is EVIL!

Guy 2: I know!

Glinda: Oh, hi everyone! Look at me! I'm a smarticle politician!

Morrible: Me too!

Fiyero: OOH! Something shiny!

Morrible:…

Glinda: Thanks everyone for coming to my engagement party!

Fiyero: Awesome! Who got engaged?

Glinda: Um…we did.

Fiyero: WTF? That's NOT in my contract!

Lady 1: Dude, did you hear that the witch is for Animals?

All: NO!

Lady 2: And that people are hiding her?

All: NO!

Guy 2: I hear water will melt her!

All: You suck at rumors…

Fiyero: Wow...water will MELT her? People are so empty headed they'll believe anything…

Morrible: Well look who's talking…

Glinda: Fiyero? You seem unhappy about our forced engagement!

Fiyero: I LOVE ELPHABA! I mean…I miss Elphaba…

Glinda: Oh, so do I, love…But *Fiyero slips out while she gives her monologue* she is dear to us…in our hearts! On the outside, she may be an evil dictator who has flying monkeys, but on the inside she's a sensitive butterfly! Waiting to emerge! Fiyero? You-hoo? Aw, shit….

Scene 2:

Nessa: BOQ!

Boq: Yes, mein fuehrer?

Nessa: I thought I told you NO POLITICAL JOKES!

Boq: Well, it's kind of hard when you're STILL dating a female version of ADOLF HITLER!

Nessa:…you anger me, Boq…

Boq: *sticks out tongue*

Nessa: WHY, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Boq: *runs from the room*

Elphaba: *coming out of Nessa's closet* Hi, Nessa.

Nessa: ELPHABA! YOU CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Elphaba:….

Nessa: What?

Elphaba: Never mind…can you hide me?

Nessa: Um…NO!

Elphaba: Why not?

Nessa: What have you ever done for me?

Elphaba: Nothing. Now come on! Help me!

Nessa: NO!

Elphaba: Here. I'll make you walk.

Nessa: What?

Elphaba: *chants*

Nessa: My ugly shoes! They're red! And…I CAN WALK! PRAISE JESUS, IT'S A MIRACLE! OH BOQ!

Elphaba: Aw, crap…

Boq: YOU!

Elphaba: Me.

Boq: You…YOU SUCK!

Elphaba: Look, Boq! I made her walk!

Boq: Cool.

Elphaba: And I placed the spell book in front of her…you know…in case she wants to use it.

Nessa: Hi Boq!

Boq: I love Glinda. I don't like you. See ya, bitch!

Nessa: Spell book , please. *chants shakily*

Boq: OMIGOD! I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK! AHHHHH!

Nessa: Oops.

Elphaba: I'll go save him….

*Five minutes later*

Elphaba: There you go. I have to go now. So….bye.

Boq: Ugh….Do I have a hangover?

Nessa: AHHHH!

Boq: What? * looks down* OH SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK!

Scene 3:

Joel Grey: 97 LeBron James jerseys burning in a bonfire in Ohio where I'm from, 97 LeBron James jerseys!

Elphaba: Whew! I'm here!

Joel Grey: Oh. Great! Ok, so…I am wonderful. Do you want to be wonderful?

Elphaba: Wonderful would be nice.

Joel Grey: Well, then wilkommen to wonderful! See? I made a Cabaret reference!

Elphaba: Just give me the monkeys…

Joel Grey: Alright…

*monkeys go free!*

Elphaba: Bye- oh wait….What's under this conveniently placed cloak here? *pulls off cloak* HOLY SHIT! DR. DILLAMOND!

Dr. Dillamond: *says nothing cuz he's silenced*

Elphaba: I HATE YOU, JOEL GREY! FLY MONKEY! FLY! MWUAHAHAHA!

Fiyero: Did I miss something?

Elphaba: Fiyero!

Fiyero: Elphaba! What are you doing here?

Elphaba: I freed some monkeys!

Fiyero: Cool! Let's go have sex in the woods!

Elphaba: What? Fiyero, this-!

*They dart off*

Glinda: WAAAH!

Morrible: Hmmm….I think that talent I had back in Act I could come in handy now…

Scene 4:

Fiyero: So….that was some good in the woods sex, huh?

Elphaba: Fiyero, we didn't have sex. This is a family musical. We just shared out undying love for each other.

Fiyero: But why do we have a love child?

Elphaba: Have you been reading the Gregory Maguire book?

Fiyero: Maybe….But I'm looking out for cats. Cuz according to the book, that's how I die!

Elphaba: *face palm*

Fiyero: What?

Elphaba: OMIOZ!

Fiyero: WHAT?

Elphaba: Whoa…I was in a tunnel…heading for this warm, white light..

Fiyero: Omigod…

Elphaba: And I swear…Nessa was there! And she was hit by a house!

Fiyero: Holy shit! Is she ok?

Elphaba: She's dead, you moron.

Fiyero: Oh…Ok. Bye!

Elphaba: Asshole…

Scene 5:

Dorothy: HAHAHAHAHA! C'mon Toto! Let's wreck havoc!

Elphaba: WAAAAH!

Glinda: Oh whoop-dee-fucking-doo. She got hit by a HOUSE.

Elphaba: What are you doing here?

Glinda: I sent that Dorothy girl to Joel Grey! And gave her your sister's shoes.

Elphaba: WHAT? TASTE MY NINJA SKILLS, BITCH!

Glinda: HIIIIYYYYAAA!

Guards: Um…are we interrupting something?

Fiyero: *muffled* Let the green girl go!

Elphaba: Fiyero, you swung backstage again….

Fiyero: Oh. *swings again* Let the green girl go!

Guards: No.

Fiyero: Oh, well…I tried…

Elphaba: WHAT?

Guards: Hmm….let's arrest him instead.

Scene 6:

Elphaba: FIYEERRRRROOOO! I AM ANGSTY! GAAHHHHH!

Chistery: *face palms*

*meanwhile*

Angry Mob: 2,4,6,8! TV'S GOT TO INTEGRATE!

Boq: Wrong show.

Angry Mob: Oh, right…Ahem…KILL THE WITCH!

Bow: Yes my minions! Rise and KILL!

Angry Mob: WOOT!

Glinda: Uh, Madame Morrible? Isn't this getting a bit out of hand?

Morrible: Shut up, you dumb blonde.

Glinda: THAT WAS INSULTING!

Scene 7:

Elphaba: KEEP CRYING, DOROTHY! THAT JUST SOLVES EVERYTHING!

Glinda: Elphie! Let Dorothy go! And her little dog Dodo!

Elphaba: Wow, are you REALLY that dumb?

Glinda: SHUT UP! QUICK PEOPLE ARE GONNA KILL YOU!

Elphaba: Aw, crap…Well, we'll always be friends. Here's the Grimmerie. I know you can't read it, but hey. Give it to my son who'll give it to my granddaughter so the Cowardly Lion can go hunt her down.

Glinda: You've been reading the Maguire book?

Elphaba: Oh yeah…

Angry Mob: KILL HER!

Elphaba: NOOO!

*splash her with water*

Elphaba: That's all you got? I mean, NO! I'M MELTING!

Angry Mob: Yay!

Glinda: WAAAH! Oh well, let's steal her stuff…

Scene 8:

Joel Grey: 2,4,6,8 Who do we appreciate? ME!

Glinda: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE HER FATHER!

Joel Grey: Aw, crap…I knew I should've gone on Maury…

Glinda: Madame Morrible, GO TO PRISON!

Morrible: MAKE ME!

Glinda: Ok. *makes her*

Morrible: Aw, shit….

*Meanwhile*

Fiyero: Psst…Elphie! It worked!

Elphaba: Thank God! I feel-Why are you straw?

Fiyero: I dunno…Maybe it'll be fun!

Elphaba: Perv…

Scene 9:

*back where we started*

Glinda: And so that's why she died.

Citizen 1: But she never really died.

Glinda: Well, true…

Citizen 2: And what happened to everyone else?

Glinda: Well-

Angry Lady: YOU SUCK AT FLASHBACKS!

Glinda: SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!

All: *shunning*

Glinda: Ok! So…who wants tacos?

**A/N: Lol…the classic way to end a spoof. Tacos.**

**Reviews?**


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